THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME !

This is a post from an older blog site I had. I just wanted to share it on the new site. Enjoy :)

1. Never, and I mean NEVER EVER EVER go to bed with your makeup on. Otherwise, you will awaken to dear old mom, hovering over your bed, (so much for personal space) and wiping her finger through the left over remnants of greasy ‘whale fat’ still on your face from the day before. It isn’t exactly the ideal way to start your morning. Trust me.

2. Mothers know all. Period. Read my lips –E V E R Y T H I N G. Don’t even bother with that little white lie you conjured up, thirty minutes past curfew, on the way home from the party you weren’t suppose to be at. Moms are gifted with the ability to be IN ALL PLACES, AT ALL THE TIMES. Try figuring that one out. It has perplexed teenagers for centuries!!!

3. When life hands you lemons…..GO SHOPPING! (I am blessed to have a mother very skilled in this department. I learn from the best!)

4. And…. when life gets tough….you just gotta ‘PICK YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOT STRAPS ‘ and keep on keepin’ on! Never wallow in self-pity. Your mother will give you the ‘boot strap’ speech.

5. Every woman needs a red handbag. I have ten.

6. Only trashy women wear G-strings and Thongs. Note to self: HIDE ALL THONGS BEFORE MOM COMES OVER!

7. For that matter, stilettos and leather do not qualify as ‘classy attire’. Another note to self: Remember to tell mom stilettos and leather were for a Halloween costume.

8. Beauty is only skin deep. Which is why I scour my face with cleanser until it feels like my flesh is going to peel off. I need all the help I can get.

9. Only accept an apology from a man, when diamonds are involved. My mother has a lot of diamonds.

10. Patience is a virtue…..easy for her to say, she has been practicing for sixty years.

11. Southern Belles NEVER leave the house without makeup. This is for the good of others. It is a selfless act really.

12. Cursing is not becoming of a woman. Hence, words like ‘asinine’ and ‘stupid…(pronounced steeewwwpid)’ and horses butt are a standard part of my vocabulary today.

13. Blue eyeliner and green eye-shadow make a woman look ‘hard’. These items were prohibited in our home, growing up.

14. Vinegar is great for stripping chlorine out of blonde hair. As a child, people could smell me coming long before they could actually see me. ;)

15. Carrots make your eyes sparkle. Mom forgot to mention they can also turn your skin orange. It's true. We discovered my sister’s obsession with the little orange vegetable, when my nephew turned orange. The pediatrician said he was eating too many carrots. Thanks mom.

16. You are lucky to have one good, honest girlfriend in your adult life. Mom was right. With a few exceptions, I trust other women about as much as I trust most television evangelists.

17. A way to a man’s heart is through old fashion flattery. This would explain why my father thinks he is ‘one hot papa’.

18. Sunscreen is essential. Never mind the fact that my brother performed a tribal dance around me and chanted ‘grease monkey’, every time we visited the city pool. Forget the skin cancer....what about PUBLIC HUMILIATION?????